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Below are the 12 most recent friends journal entries:
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07:58 pm
quirkytizzy
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/88972412/3698248) [Link] |
It's cold outside.....
Suicide
sounds such a pretty word
not in meaning
nor ever execution
but simply in the way
it
slides....
A thought I had earlier today. A shame the word means something so ugly.
Medication seems to be stabilizing, though it's mostly probably due to the Trazedone and better sleep since I'm still on a really low dose of the Lamictal. Today's been less than even, but I imagine it's like that even with medication sometimes. Grey skies for two days, feels like ten. A few moments today where, for no particular reason, I felt crying. One of those days.
Finals are done. This relieves some of the anxiety - I'd had my first anxiety dreams about missing the finals and not being able to pass.
Confusion over family. I'll need help paying my rent, I'd thought I'd paid all the way through Janurary, as it turns out, I'd only paid halfway through Jan. Not knowing what else to do, I call my father, who says he will help. It confuses me to take his help.
"Is it possible you have mixed feelings?" my therapist asked me. I paused and tilted my head. Mixed feelings? Want it one way or another.
Cognitive dissonence abound.
And even, oddly, confusion over my mother. I don't trust her and never will. The woman will never get a personal piece of information out of me. EVER. She apologizes for not asking about me, saying it's rude. I don't think it's rude - I don't care. And then I get confused.
I miss Pamela today.
It is one of those days. But there will be a warm bed, someone whom I love, and lots of stuffed animals to lull me to sleep tonight and that is good.
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11:42 am
jettdelirium
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/38016397/1136354) [Link] |
TV PARTY TONIGHT!!
Watched the UFC fight on DVR last night, closely followed by Dexter finale.
Not sure which had more blood in it... and both were pretty phenomenal.
( Fight Spoilers )
( Dexter Spoilers )
If you aren't watching Dexter...you should seriously consider getting some DVDs, cause seriously. Its amazing.
Current Mood:  content
Current Music: Covenant - We Stand Alone
Tags: dexter, ufc
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11:14 am
quirkytizzy
[Link] |
Communications across the Constant....How do Others Recieve the Transmissions?
"Toward", as written by my friend here on LJ, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) ravenlake
To those that I love
I will tell you that I am afraid, and despite my attempts at courage and naturalness, I find myself posing half of the time. I am ambitious and proud, my ego is frail, and I long to be settled and grateful and earthy. I am all of this on one side of me, and can I say, as I try to make myself worth what you weigh in for me, I can't tell if I'm doing it the right way or all wrong, can't tell my blindspots from my left, my mistakes from my right. Will you forgive me for not being around? Because I do want to be. Can I say that I am mending breaches and tears all at once, and while I ask not to be excused, know that I am not ungrateful, just maybe a little foolish, and a little blind. And this is addressed to you, and others--that the memory of you beside the window, or laughing hard with everyone else, or squeezing my hand, or having a graceful sense of responsibility--but most of all, the proximity of all our faces-- has made it harder, yet all the more valuable, to step outside a worn world of shadows, into the dazzling sun.
Becoming
as it were
two halves of five quarters each.
Numbers rarely make sense to me
but more willing than ever
to line up the columns
This year has brought with it new meaning to the words "learning how to open up." I'd always thought I was the most open person I know - after all, wasn't I utterly free with the information of almost every trauma of my past? Wasn't I outgoing? Wasn't I straight-forward and didn't I say just about everything that crossed my mind?
And I was/am all of those, though with the appropriete disclosure lesson of the last few years, perhaps slightly less of the first. And yet, this summer, almost everyone around me was begging me to talk to them, to let them know what was really going on, because I wasn't.
It came to mind that while I'm terribly comfortable talking about the places I've been, I'm less comfortable talking about whatever is going on inside of me at the present. Half the time it's because I can't discern the exact shape of the landscape myself and because of that trying to communicate it comes out as a big tangled ball of crazy, frustrating both the person I'm trying to talk to and myself.
But I'm learning. And in this relationship, it's becoming more and more apparent that it is something to be learned. Patrick mostly went with the idea that if there was something I wanted to tell him, I would (and he was usually right, given the space my moodiness stills and I have to ramble about it), but with David, there is this want of his to be involved in the process. As frustrating as it is for both of us at times (clear communication is almost impossible for me in those times. At best, I can usually come up with long strings of words that I'm feeling and dimestore psychology for those feelings), it is something I'm learning to appreciate.
It is a new idea, that's for sure. It is, in part, the difficulty of this that propels me along to continue trying to do it. And it's risky, because when I talk from that space in me, I really do risk offending and hurting people from being unable to clearly say what I mean. Extremely risky, and thus even harder.
But maybe it's riskiness, it's difficulty, it's potential for disaster and loss, is what keeps me trying to do it right.
As Ravenlake said, it makes it harder, and thus, all the more valuable.....
What is your experience in these sorts of things? How do you untangle the moment and share clearly? How do you keep wanting to share? How does that process work for you???
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08:30 am
jettdelirium
[Link] |
Burn in.
Somehow managed to break my Kindle by leaving it plugged in. Apparently burn in is an issue. I plugged it in before we went to New York and then forgot it, and I've been reading the paper book (The Hound of Baskervilles) that I bought ever since. I went to turn it on last night and the screen was stuck, and no amount of resetting it will help. I'm also wondering if the new update they pushed has anything to do with it.
Anyway, it is luckily still under warranty, so I get a shiny new one on Monday!! Or at least a shiny, refurbished one. I hope its a new one though. The new ones have global wireless!!
Current Mood:  thankful
Current Music: Intuition - O Holy Night
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12:28 pm
quirkytizzy
[Link] |
Sharp sounds and bloodless letting
"I want the song without
the worn-out rhyme
of words." - Lester Allen
and I want to know names
without the assembled dogma
of language re-learned,
the power of letters swell over tongue
loose and languid
clacking against tooth, enamel, and bone.
at times fluidity buoys with sound and saliva
flings words onto the natural tide
and at others
fingernails scratch at tendons
claw deep into spongey marrow
coming away dry, hands cutting through
circles of beige and dust -
no blood,
no tissue sloughing scarlet staining skin,
nothing to prove that you've used
names for knives
dug out the essential arteries
with scalpel and axe
alike
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02:57 pm
jettdelirium
[Link] |
AWW!!
Thanks for the luffly snowflake, unholypassion!! ;D
Current Mood:  happy
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11:03 am
quirkytizzy
[Link] |
Be that as it may, ordinary people go about their day....
It has finally gotten cold enough to break out the ice-scraper. Oh yay. Winter how I loathe thee, let me count the ways....
Is anyone else noticing a remarkable similarity in cinematic and camera style between the new Stargate Universe and Battlestar? I rather like the new Stargate; I think it's a bold (very bold, actually) break away from the traditional format and feel of the show, it's just also got a similar camera panning style. Also, what nationality is Rush's accent? Undefined New Zealander? Australian? Scottish? Call me silly, but not knowing is driving me a little nuts.
There's been quite a bit going on. I am now on two medications - one, a small dosage of Lamictal, to be ramped up over two months time to a full dosage of between 100 mg and 150 mg. It's a mood stabilizer for Bipolar 1 Disorder, which is what both the psychiatrist and psychologist are working from. The other is a sedative, Trazadone, of which I've been on before. It was the only medication that ever helped the nightmares and sleep disturbances.
It feels very strange to be back on medication. It is also relieving. The nurse requested that David sit in on the next visit concerning medication, since as she put it, "signifigant others are often able to track mood changes easier, since they are an outside observer." It made sense, and David has said he would be happy to do so. That, while scary, felt very affirming.
Cassie is out of jail.
I'm not entirely sure what else to say about that. Her countenance has changed quite a bit, more somber. The consequences of her actions are hitting her - I think she's beginning to realize that she really did fuck it up this time, and fucked it up good. She has the tools to continue getting better. It's now waiting and seeing if she will continue to use those tools to continue getting better.
She's in a very precarious state right now, that in between state of realizing how bad you've been and yet needing to find the strength and self-esteem to believe that you can do better. She's alternately frantic, depressed, hysterical and flat. Perfectly normal, I keep reassuring her. She has no buffer and thus the hurricane is going to batter her senseless. As it always does in the beginning, for anyone whose been in that position.
She has yet to make any plans for finding a therapist or to get to meetings. Four days out of jail, and this does worry me. I told her that she's going to have to start dealing with the abuse of her childhood and past relationships, to which she breezily said she already has.
It's going to be a very, very rough ride for her. But there are changes, bits of the old defenses and denials that are falling away. I can see that. That gives me hope.
I'm just not going to kill myself for it this time.
That's my promise, to myself as much as to those around me (who, bless their hearts, always help me pick of the pieces of my heart no matter how many times it's been broken over this).
More to come later, I'm sure. As always, the story continues....
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03:51 pm
jettdelirium
[Link] |
Running.
I've been telling myself and others for awhile now that I'm just a heel runner, and I just have to buy superawesome shoes to accommodate for that.
The truth of the matter is that with the hip injuries and pain problems I've had, its not only better, but also way cheaper to re-train myself to run properly.
My friend Basil sent me a link about the Pose Running Method which is similar to Chi Running. Given that I was relegated to a treadmill for my weekly run this Sunday (due to 3 inches of snow and ice on the ground), I decided to give it a shot.
I ran for 37 minutes, five minute bursts with a one minute walking period in between each. As I got later in the run, I noticed it was harder to concentrate on staying on my toes, because I was tired, and I wanted to go back to the old way.
However, I made it all the way through, and walked for awhile to cool down. After, as I was stretching, I already noticed my ankles, calves, achilles and feet were very tired and slightly sore.
Today, I'm all kinds of stiff and sore, but not limping or anything. Just adjusting to a new athletic movement. You know the feeling.
But here's the really interesting thing. No hip pain.
None.
I usually hurt pretty much all the next day after a run, and wind up stretching and doing extra hip exercises all day to help myself get through it.
Today, I feel awesome. :D Well, knees and above, I do anyhow.
Anyhow, given that, and the fact that I've reached almost forty minutes, I'm going to take my physical therapists advice and splitting the time. 20 min on Wed, 20 min on Sunday. I think that will help me to focus more, given that it was harder the more tired I was. Also, I feel like running for an hour is a long time, but that's what I'm heading towards.
Instead, I'd like to focus on getting up to two 30 minute runs a week, and reducing the rest time so that I can run 30 min straight.
That's the plan. Hopefully the weather lets me actually get some outdoor running in as well, though. Cause I seriously HATE treadmills. Plus, I just bought all this Underarmour cold gear! ;)
Current Mood:  accomplished
Current Music: Matisyahu - Time of Your Song
Tags: fitness, health, running, training
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07:24 am
jettdelirium
[Link] |
Adopt A Word
I adopted a word for my friend Rach for Christmas. She's always on about how I shouldn't get her anything, so I didn't! Except I sort of did, but it goes to charity, so HA!
Adoptaword.com
They don't send you a kit when you're not in the UK, but they DO send you a PDF file!
Congratulations, you have adopted the word:
henceforth
Click here to download your official certificate.
It’s been adopted exclusively for a year so have fun with it. Try to make sure it gets regular exercise and the occasional punctuation mark.
Your adoption fee will help I CAN make a difference to the lives of children with speech, language and communication difficulties, who struggle to use words to express their needs, make friends and learn.
If you have ordered an adoption pack and/or merchandise they
will be dispatched within 10 - 14 working days.
If you forgot to order merchandise, or want to order some more, please click here now.
We hope you enjoyed ‘adopting’ with us and that you visit us again.
Click here to find our more about I CAN, the children’s communication charity. Or click here to buy another word - for yourself or as a present.
Thank you for your support.
The adopt-a-word team
I CAN charity
COOL, right? :D
Also, SHH, don't tell her. Until tonight. I get to tell her!
Current Mood:  pleased
Current Music: Big Bad Voodoo Daddy - Mr. Heatmiser
Tags: charity, christmas
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10:16 pm
quirkytizzy
[Link] |
Meandering through the evening/ I want to say something but have no language to form the thoughts
Winter....dude, seriously?! Is it really nesscary to plunge to icy depths not even a mere 24 hours after it was so warm that I was lamenting my choice not to wear a skirt? You and I, we simply must go our seperate ways and yet you cling, tugging at the hem of my coat like an insistent child.
So I've gotten some interesting and good replies about the inner monolouge question here, and the few other people I'd asked outside of Livejournal. Thank you all for that. It's good to recieve confirmation on the subject, even if it doesn't run parallel to my own experience.
It all adds to the workings of my life. It is all relevant.
We are watching "Johnny Dangerously." I am enjoying the movie, but it's damned hard to sit still at the moment. Despite the weather, I feel as if I want to stand outside and chainsmoke. Not that I don't chainsmoke as it is, but I would like to be chainsmoking likerightnowkthanxbai.
And for no particular reason, either. Ah well.
Feeling a little restless at this moment as well, despite being tired. David says I was the most restless last night than he's ever seen me. I remember my dreams....not entirely pleasant, save for a single light that I kept trying to find. Warm, ever so warm - I'd felt it once, and was trying to find it again. At least I didn't wake up screaming or shouting - it's been a few months since I've had those nightmares. Plenty of bad dreams and restless nights, talking in my sleep....I seem to be doing more of that than I did before.
Aaaand yet another entry where all I do is mindlessly babble. I suppose it's good for something. My own appeasement if nothing else.
That's something.
I keep wanting to write a poem, but for once, the words aren't coming. Or the space needed, that circle of phrases that loops around my mind that even momentarily keeps the rest of it at distance of millimeters, isn't there right now.
It's as if I'm thinking of something, endlessly, but haven't the language to describe it. Didn't I just say this morning about how I always think in words?
Yeah.
A strange thing. Maybe it'll make more sense tommorow.
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09:07 am
quirkytizzy
[Link] |
Do you have an "inner monolouge"?
One of the greater mysteries of this apartment is that there is always one, single, solitary fruit fly buzzing around. Not two, or three, or the usual swarms that fruit flies normally come in, but one. It's very strange.
Yesterday I'd said I was going to brave the weather and put on fishnets and a skirt (I have a really warm coat, and spend the majority of my day indoors anyways) but the idea of stepping out into the 30 degree weather for even a short amount of time mostly bare-legged has made me rethink that idea. Damn you Kansas City winters, with your godawfully low tempertures and whipping winds!
Coffee, ciggeratte, quiet.....this is how my morning routines usually go. Without those, the day seems hurried and too loud.
I asked David last night if he has an "inner monologue". A self-made commentary that is constantly, continually running inside of his head. He said no, but it seems to me that everyone would have one. Or maybe it really is just me who is continually talking to myself about whatever it is I am doing/seeing/thinking/feeling at any given moment. The times when I am *not* talking to myself seem very quiet and sometimes lonely.
Or perhaps it's a writer's thing, maybe even specifically a journaler's thing. Journaling requires a certain amount of self-obbession, a large amount of continually sifting and re-sifting through of thoughts and experiences. And since I've been journaling for 14 years, the trait is now ingrained, something that comes as deeply cut in with the marrow of my bones as any other instinct.
Maybe. Just maybe. Do artists have an inner monolouge, only in picture form? And do singers have an inner monolouge, only in note and sound? I will have to ask someone, since I can't draw nor sing. It's always been words for me, words and space and paragraphs, poetry and prose.
Only a few times in my entire life has my own voice been stilled, only a handful of times in my entire life when the part of me that is always running feedback is lulled into some kind of slumber. I remember those moments. I hold them close in my memory, a hope, a dream, those moments are imperical proof that I am a full human being.
And while sometimes they are lonely, sometimes they are the moments in which I find the peace that allows me, as a human being, to continue living on.
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11:40 am
quirkytizzy
[Link] |
What I want for Christmas
I'd woken up, or rather, dragged myself out of bed for work this morning, only to be called off 30 minutes later (after I was wide eyed and bushy tailed). I hate that. So instead of doing what I had wanted to do upon first awakening (which was crawl back into bed, totally ruined by the cup of coffee I'd already downed), I cleaned.
At least that was productive. And I put on sparkly nail polish. I know I'll regret in a couple of days (I always do, you have to practically sandblast the shit off) but for now, it's pretty and entertaining. I could pop LUNAR into the PS2, or wash my dishes, but for now, I'll just sit here and write and endlessly refresh the "Recent Posts" options here on LJ.
"And if I lose myself, look for me on the left...."
What do I want for Christmas? Mostly the intangible. Mostly things that are already showing signs of being present in my life, I just want them to hurry up.. Security. Stability - mentally as well as physically. The ability to not continually stick my foot in my mouth (come to think of it, as often as I do do that, maybe I should put flavored shoe laces on my list?), or else to be able to circumvent self-pity entirely and skip right on up to the strong and courageous parts.
I would like to be graceful for just one day and not knock over, trip over, break, drop, smash, smush, biff or otherwise negatively affect the space around me. Just for one day. I would like to be able to tap into the deeper, better wells of my writing and forever pen my words from there instead of from the maddeningly daily mundane. I would like to be comfortable in my own skin all of the time, and I would like to learn, once and for all, that I and the world around me do not have to constantly be at odds with each other. I would want to know myself and all of those around me, and I would want to know God.
Many things, if Christmas were as much of a miracle as people say it is, would be on my list.
I am a bit of a Scrooge. Since leaving Patrick, the holidays are again filled with dread and apprehension. I know I'm the adult now, and it is up to me to create those better holidays, but the old hurdles of what the holidays growing up were like are resurfacing. (I recently related to David the story of one holiday dinner where my stepfather threw a ceramic plate at my head. It was lucky I'd ducked or else I would have been in the hospital, as the plate lodged itself four inches deep into the wall behind me.)
But still, seeing Christmas lights fills me with a sense of peace and wonder and after all, who doesn't need more socks under the tree? And with the help of those who love me, and the new trick of trying to stay present in any given moment, maybe this year will be the year that Christmas again becomes something warm and inviting.
All's well that ends well, right?
Right.
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